Why Everyone Pays When You Wait To Self-Advocate

I’m always advocating for us to show up in spaces with whatever we've got going on at the moment. And I’m very much practicing the theme of what we're talking about today, which is self-advocacy. In other words, honoring our boundaries and our limits and communicating them with compassion and clarity.

In theater and in the arts world, self-advocacy can feel almost impossible, especially for artists who so often feel they’re replaceable. In a lot of ways, that assumption is true and something we as an industry need to work on changing.

But being able to advocate for yourself helps lay the groundwork for inclusion. 

Waiting to advocate for yourself can lead to a lot more stress, tension, and negative things that make communication difficult. And it leads to issues that can't make for an inclusive environment where people feel safe or supported or empowered.

I have a way into this conversation that might sound like it's not theater related, but I encourage you to stick with me! And to stick around as I share my 5-part framework to support theater professionals as you begin to advocate for yourselves.

In this episode, we cover:

• The real-life story that inspired this talk about self-advocacy

• What happens when we don’t self-advocate

• 5-part framework to support theater professionals

• A new mantra you can take with you into your daily life

• The benefits of setting boundaries for clear communication

Remember that self advocacy is a form of self respect, and it is crucial to maintaining healthy, professional, and personal boundaries. Let's all take a lesson from my cute 7-week-old and create a practice of advocating for yourself early and with compassion and clarity.

If this episode touched you in some way, I’d love to hear from you. Please say hello using any of the links below!

Connect with Kira:

@kiratroilo

@artandsoulconsulting

@inclusivestages

Become a Patron

Register for the first 'Inclusive Stages' cohort certification program

Join our mailing list - scroll to the bottom of the page

Thanks for joining me on this episode of Inclusive Stages! If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review on Apple or Spotify to help me reach even more theater makers, theater artists, and theater lovers who want to make our industry a better place for everyone.

Thanks to our music composer, Zachary McConnell, and our producer, Leah Bryant.

More about the Inclusive Stages Podcast

Welcome to 'Inclusive Stages' -- the go-to weekly podcast for theater makers, theater artists, and theater lovers who want to make our industry a better place for everyone. We'll chat with actors, directors, designers, scholars, and more about the current landscape of the theater scene and get their thoughts on how we can do better. 

Host Kira Troilo will also give you a sneak peek into live EDI coaching sessions and offer actionable tips for creating more equitable, inclusive, and empathetic theater spaces that support and value the diversity of artists and audiences. Join the conversation, and let's collectively shape the future of human-first theater, one stage at a time.

This post may contain affiliate links, so I may earn a small commission when you make a purchase through links on my site at no additional cost to you. 

The unedited podcast transcript for this episode of the Inclusive Stages podcast follows:

Are you a theater maker, theater artist, or theater lover who wants to make the theater industry better for all of us? You're in the right place. Hey there, I'm Kira Troilo, a theater artist, creative professional, and mom who quit her job and devoted her career to equity, diversity, and inclusion for the arts. Through decades of work in theater spaces, I couldn't help but recognize a gaping hole in our industry, the shocking lack of care and support available for creatives.

Since 2020, I've become obsessed with creating actual human resources for the humans who create theater in community. Enter the Inclusive Stages Podcast, a shame-free zone where we put my framework for inclusive theater spaces to practice. Here, we'll build bridges through curiosity and conversation, and we'll never shy away from real talk.

Join me as I break down relevant, hot-button topics of our day and chat with fascinating industry professionals about their experiences in the theater world. Plus, I'll even show you how I help actors navigate identity differences to tell brave and compelling stories, all while maintaining psychological safety. Ready to start building care-forward creative spaces where humans and art can both thrive? It all happens one stage at a time.

Places, everyone. This is the Inclusive Stages Podcast. Hello, theater friends.

Welcome to another episode of the Inclusive Stages Podcast. I am joining you today in this solo episode with my little seven-week-old baby strapped to my chest in a carrier. And just want to share that because I am always advocating for us to show up in spaces with what we've got going on at the moment.

And I wanted to show up here and record this solo episode for you. And this is what I'm working with today. So just want to start off by practicing the theme of what we're going to talk about today, which is honoring our boundaries and limits and communicating them.

So today, that's what I'm joining you with. So if you hear some little snores or coos or cries, I hope that it brings a smile to your face. Today, I want to talk about, like I said, self-advocacy.

And I have a way into this conversation that might sound like it's not theater-related, but I encourage you to go with me on this. And I promise I'll get back to theater. But I recently had an experience that just made me really stop and consider what is the best way to advocate for our needs without feeling like you're being difficult or rude.

You know, and we'll get into it. But I think in theater and in the arts world, self-advocacy can feel almost impossible, especially, you know, as an artist where you feel like, oh, if you set a boundary or name a limit, you might be replaceable. And in a lot of ways, that's true.

And we, I think, as an industry need to work on changing the narrative there. But I truly believe that being able to advocate for yourself in a kind and calm and compassionate way actually helps to lay the groundwork for inclusion. And I want to talk about what I mean there.

I want to start off with this story that's been on my mind and in my heart. As I mentioned, I have a seven-week-old strapped to my chest at the moment, standing at my standing desk and talking to you. I had this baby via C-section.

And when you have a C-section, you have to have an IV. Now, I have had an IV one other time in my life, and I won't go into the details there, but it was a really traumatic experience. And, you know, if you've never had an IV before, you know, you have to get like a little needle stuck into your vein and you have to have a vein that works for it.

So I didn't know this at the time, but my veins are just particularly tiny. The first time I had an IV, it was difficult to get it in. So it was, you know, the first time they tried, it was a minute, and then the nurse who was doing it said, oh, we actually didn't get it in.

We need to try again. It happened three times until I could get an IV to stay in. And I won't go into like the medical for anyone who's squeamish, but the IV ended up having to go in my hand, which is really painful.

I don't know if does anyone have that experience. Yeah, it's not fun. And I kind of thought nothing of it.

I just thought, okay, I didn't have that much to eat that day or I wasn't hydrated enough. So it was just a difficult day to get an IV in. Okay, that's the backstory you need to know.

So going into my C-section, I mentioned to the nurse who's going to put my IV in that I've had difficulty with IVs before. The nurse said, oh, well, I see a vein right here. It should be fine.

You know, no worries. Fast forward to six, I mean this, six attempts to get an IV in before it actually went in. Now, again, I'm not going to walk through every attempt, but I said multiple times, I know that it's been difficult to get an IV in my veins in the past.

So it just kept happening every time, like a second attempt, I'd say, okay, are we sure? Are we confident we're going to get it? Like I said, it's difficult for me. And someone would say, oh yeah, I'm confident. It's fine.

And then they would miss again. Now I should contextualize this further by saying that not only was I was going to have a planned C-section, but I was actually in labor. So I was going through labor pains as I'm trying to deal with the fact that I keep getting pricked with a needle that's not working.

So I'm getting more agitated and more frustrated and I'm in a lot of pain. So, you know, we get to the sixth time and I'm just crying my eyes out. My husband and my mom were with me can attest to how not calm I was, but we ended up getting an IV team in to help to get the IV in.

And again, I didn't know that there was a team devoted to getting an IV in, in the first place. You know, I'm thinking, oh, it's just like matters what the level of comfort is for the nurse. So there's a lot of things I learned here and I hope I'm coherent in sharing what's important for our story here today.

So anyway, I learned that there was an IV team and that that's something that I should request. Should I ever need to get an IV again? So fast forward a couple of weeks and I end up back in the hospital with something called postpartum preeclampsia, which, you know, if there are any listeners out there who are pregnant or planning to be pregnant, I encourage you to look that up because it was a rude awakening for me to have something like that happen after I thought I was in the clear after I had had surgery and I was home with my new baby. So anyway, I was back in the hospital and I needed to get an IV again and I was firmer in saying, you know, this is difficult for me.

I need to make sure I have a specialty team here to put this IV in my vein. Now that I know that there is a special IV team, that's what I asked for. The nurse who was with me, again, like a fine nurse, a kind nurse, she looks at my arm and says, oh no, you've got a vein right here.

I can get this. And I said, I'm saying I don't know that you can. It's been difficult for me.

The last time I was in the hospital two weeks ago, it took six attempts. It was very distressing for me. And again, she says, no, I've got this.

I can do this. So needless to say, she didn't have it. And it actually ended up the IV blowing in my arm, which meant like a huge bruise and very painful, like raised bruise that covered a lot of my arm.

And again, I'm going to fast forward here to spare you all the details. But I had, again, six attempts before we got it in. Six.

I've learned, by the way, if anyone's nodding their saying, oh, this is me too. It's called chronic difficult intravenous access. So now I know I have that.

And that's part of why I'm telling the story today is now I know what my thing is, what I'm dealing with when I go in to get an IV. But all those six times, it went from a nurse trying two times to going to get another nurse to then finally bringing in the special IV team to then bringing in someone who actually was in with an ultrasound, who could use a machine to look through my skin and find the vein. And when we got there, this woman was like my savior in the moment, because again, at that point, I had started to be angry and upset and rude and crying, just begging them to do something to get me a specialist who could take care of my particular needs to listen to me when I said, this is not going to happen.

Like you are not going to be able to get this into my vein. I think, you know, again, I was dealing with people who thought they knew what they were doing. And they did.

They probably knew what they were doing. But what's the key thing they didn't know? They didn't know me. They didn't know my history.

They didn't know what I've dealt with in terms of IV trauma before. And I will use that word trauma because it is little t, but really awful. And they didn't know what was in my head, my heart, and what I had been through.

And they were up against a lot of things, you know, like I would say probably an ego of, oh, I see this vein. I know how to do this. I've done this a million times.

This person who knows what was in their head, and I don't want to tell their stories for them. But, you know, they might have been thinking like this woman might be difficult or sensitive or whatever words were going through their head. And I think I was more concerned about hurting their feelings or offending them by saying they couldn't do their job.

And that stopped me from really fiercely advocating for what I knew I needed. But then who ends up suffering? Me, for sure. But also these poor nurses who felt awful, by the way.

These are people who thought I can do this. And then they're watching this woman before my C-section, you know, obviously in a lot of pain, going through more pain, and then back in the hospital under really tough circumstances and then in more distress and pain. Thank you for listening to that story.

I hope that that helps to provide some context for self-advocacy and what brought me to want to talk about this today on the podcast. So, of course, that's different. That's medical.

But it got me thinking about what happens when we don't self-advocate because things get in our way. And I do think it can lead to a lot more stress, a lot more tension, a lot more of those negative things that make communication difficult. And it leads to issues that can't make for an inclusive environment where people feel safe or supported or empowered.

Right. So jumping off from there, let's talk about self-advocacy in the theater. OK, so I have five points I want to talk about with this framework.

The first is the cost of waiting to self-advocate. So like I said, the longer you put off expressing your needs, the more frustration and resentment and even panic can build up. So over time, this can make self-advocacy feel more stressful the longer we wait and we may end up reacting more intensely than we mean to.

In my story, I waited to be firm. You know, this is an extreme circumstance, but I was so upset. You know, I was just getting worked up and worked up and worked up that I was certainly not being kind.

And it led to just greater stress all around. I think we can all probably point to a time in your arts theater world or in your everyday life where you've held something, something that's bothered you, something that you've wanted to speak on but can't. And it builds and it builds and it builds until you can't be gentle about sharing it anymore.

And that stress and discomfort is not helpful for anyone. Right. Number two, I really want us to sit with this, to internalize this as a mantra.

Firm is not rude. Right. Firm is clear and clear is kind.

Clear is kind is from Brene Brown, but I'm adding firm is clear as my own addition to that. Firmness doesn't have to be rude or confrontational. It's actually just rooted in clarity.

And clarity is a form of kindness. So think about that. When you understand something clearly, that helps you to show up and support people.

Right. If you're trying to support other people, but you're not clear about what's going on with them or what are the special circumstances behind how you support them, then you're not going to be effective and they are not going to be fully supported. So what is being firm? Being firm is about being clear about your needs without apology or hesitation.

So in my situation with my chronic difficult intravenous access, a thing I didn't know I have, but now I know I have it. I don't need to apologize for that. I could just say to that nurse, instead of saying this might be difficult, it was difficult before, I can now firmly come in to any situation where I have to have an IV and I can say, I just would like you to know I have chronic difficult intravenous access.

I require someone to come in with an ultrasound to get a clear view of my veins so that we can get this done in the first time. What do you think? Does that sound rude? I hope you heard my little nugget here. That's not rude, right? That's just helping to prevent a misinterpretation that can build up.

So instead we want to be firm in what we're asking in a kind way. And we can be kind when we don't let it build and build and build. We can be kind, you know, like in my situation I can go in before I've been pricked by a needle five times and I can be calm and I can be clear.

So firm is not rude. It's your power and the clarity in your communication. Okay, number three, no one knows your history and limits like you do.

I think it's easy to see this kind of advocacy in the medical field where, you know, you know your body. People can't be expected to understand your full context unless you tell them. And that goes for the workplace too.

You know what you need best and others may lack the urgency that you feel. So when I go in and say I have difficult intravenous access, I haven't shared the other two times that I've gone through this were traumatic for me. And I don't need to explain that, but I need to understand that for myself.

They don't feel the urgency I do. So in self-advocating, I can communicate that this is urgent for me. This is a limit for me and not feel any kind of way about the other people in the situation who don't feel the urgency I do because they don't know me and they don't know what I'm coming from.

So, you know, taking it to the theater world, you might need transportation to a theater when you get offered a contract. Maybe the theater can't offer that transportation stipend that you need because you're dealing with a, let's just say, some kind of medical trauma or really difficult situation at home. So it's kind of like if you thought, you know, that the theater wasn't taking your need urgently or seriously when in actuality, you know, the theater just plainly might not have the budget to support a transportation stipend, but they don't know the urgency behind why you're asking for what you're asking for.

So, you know, I just ask you to reflect on your experience. Was there ever an assumption that others just knew your needs? As I am standing here with my baby, you know, like he will cry and fuss and I have to understand or try to understand his needs without being able to communicate with him. You know, when we do that with babies, but we can't, you know, we can't do that with other adults.

Okay. Number four, boundary setting doesn't mean that you're difficult or replaceable. It's professional.

Okay. So advocating for your needs isn't a sign that you're a difficult person. Now, maybe the way you communicate your boundaries could make you seem, you know, not as professional.

And I'm talking about going in and making demands and being mean and rude and causing a scene, you know, that's different. The actual boundary setting itself, it's a practice that benefits everyone in the long run, even if it's intimidating. So let's go with the transportation needs again.

So say I run into something like this almost every show. Actors get hired for a show and they don't want to state their boundary or special needs before they sign the contract because they want the job. And I understand that.

But, you know, they might have a need, like they need a car to be able to get to the rehearsals or they need, you know, an extra stipend for something to be able to be included in the process. But they don't want to say that up front because they don't want to be difficult. But then what that leads to is a theater signing an actor without knowing the full context.

And then, you know, the contract's been signed and actors in rehearsals and now they're asking for more money that all of a sudden the whole thing has elevated because, you know, the theaters probably has already allocated what they can in the budget. So now it's more difficult for the actor to get what they need. It's more difficult for the theater to provide what that actor needs.

And as I'm sure you can hear, that is a fertile ground for bad feelings all around. So that could have been avoided with that clear kind boundary setting from the start. What about actors who are serving as understudies? This is another common one where an understudy is hired without the guarantee of going on for a performance.

So at the time of signing a contract, an actor could kindly, or negotiating is kind of another skill for another day that we can go into, and I hope to. But, you know, you can say, I would love to accept this understudy contract with the condition that I perform one performance. That might be a boundary for an actor is, you know, I don't want to do all this work to understudy if I don't ever get to perform on stage.

A lot of people are afraid to actually just make the ask. They think, oh, I, you know, I just want to take the job so that they don't think I'm difficult. And then, you know, the contract's been signed.

Everyone's already in the process. And then that person, if they come out and say, I'd like a performance, then that makes it difficult for everyone, including the actor who's maybe playing that role, you know, the full role. And they haven't agreed to give up a performance to an understudy.

So just one example. And, you know, the theater hasn't made that promise. And then the person who's understudying who is late to self-advocate might feel unacknowledged or under-considered, but really they hadn't made the ask in the first place, right, when it was a calm situation, when it could have been just built in to the process and made the process more inclusive from the start.

And lastly, I would offer this two-part exercise. So it's the friend and the other side. Let me break down what I mean by that.

The first part. In thinking about self-advocacy, think about how you'd guide a friend, a friend who needs to advocate for themself. So imagine if a friend told you that they were afraid to speak up for their needs.

So if I'm your friend and I came to you about my IV story and I said, you know, I just didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to make these people feel bad, right? What would you say to me? I would think that if you're a good friend, that you would encourage me to speak up because you believe that I deserve fairness and respect. So I want you to think about how you'd guide your friend if your friend were having trouble self-advocating, when you think about advocating for yourself. And here's the crucial second part that I think we miss when we talk about self-advocacy.

We want to consider the other side. Think about how you'd feel if you inadvertently cause someone harm because you weren't aware of their boundaries. This can deepen the empathy and remind you that self-advocacy serves everyone involved.

That poor nurse who had to watch me cry my eyes out because she missed my vein just like I told her, but I didn't very clearly and firmly articulate what I needed. That caused her pain and stress. So thinking about the other side, thinking about how our needs and communicating them can be kind to the people who need to understand them.

This can help prevent misunderstandings and keep relationships, whether they're personal or in the theater or business, rooted in trust and honesty. I think it's so important to think about both sides of the equation when we're thinking about how we can advocate for ourselves in a way that is productive, in a way that makes any process better for anyone. So for a quick recap here, in the world of self-advocacy, I hope this has been helpful, especially to my freelance artist friends.

Number one, the cost of waiting to self-advocate is great. Number two, firm is not rude. There is so much power in the clarity of communication.

Number three, no one knows your history and your limits like you do. And remember that when you're sharing what you need. Number four, boundary setting isn't difficult, it's professional.

You just want to think about the way you do it, right? And number five, think about how you'd advise a friend and think about how the other side might take that. I hope this episode was helpful. My son is setting a boundary and a limit right now that this was plenty of time to record a podcast and not have my attention fully on him.

So let's all take a lesson from this cute little nugget here and create a practice of advocating for yourself early and with compassion and clearly. So be patient with yourself. Like I said, practice, practice, practice.

It doesn't have to be perfect the first time. And just remember that self-advocacy is a form of self-respect and it is crucial to maintaining healthy professional and personal boundaries. I hope this was helpful for you.

I'm looking forward to having you join with me in many more conversations. But until next time, I hope you have a great day and we will see you for the next episode. Thank you so much for listening to the Inclusive Stages podcast.

If you love the show, please be sure to like and subscribe to our channel. We have so many exciting guests and important topics coming up. You won't want to miss a single episode.

This podcast is completely listener supported. If you would like to become a patron of the show, please check out the link in the show notes to join us over at Patreon. Patrons have access to exclusive bonus content and also the opportunity to ask questions that could be answered live on future shows.

Also, be sure to follow along with us on Instagram, YouTube, and Facebook at Inclusive Stages. And don't forget to head over to InclusiveStages.com to sign up for our email newsletter to stay up to date with exciting upcoming offers like our first cohort certification program. Lastly, and most importantly, if you love Inclusive Stages, it would mean the absolute world to us if you could take 30 seconds to review our show and give us a five-star rating.

That really helps those silly algorithms get our show in front of more theater lovers like you. As always, thank you to our producer Leah Bryant and our music composer Zachary McConnell. See you next time!